Betrayl

As I sit here and right this, I am finishing up the last of the paperwork for my credential. I am half way through. Last observation done. Last module done. At least until August! And what should be a moment of celebrating and excitement is anything but. I have experienced a terrible pain this past week. I have been betrayed. I don't know if I have ever honestly been betrayed in such a fashion before. I have definitely been hurt in the past and felt like people have turned their back on me, but not like this. Not used for someone else's agenda. Not thrown into the fire because it's easier to make me, the one who is supposed to be "untouchable" the scapegoat rather than them take responsibility for their own actions. I hurt. I feel USED. What a disgusting word. Used. Used so that someone could meet their own agenda. Someone took my words and used them for their benefit. Never mind what it does to me...oh I'll be fine. Never mind the relationships that they are ruining because of their actions. I'll be just fine. Never mind the unnecessary drama, pain, tears, physical sickness I have had to and will continue to endure, because I'll be fine. As long as they get what they want in the end, who cares what I went through. I'll be fine. This is a whole new kind of pain. One, that for whatever reason, God has deemed me worthy to endure. Thanks God! This makes two springs in a row of difficult situations and I did not see this one coming. I thought people could be trusted. I thought that I was looked out for and cared for. I thought that no one would betray me. I trusted few. I thought I chose wisely. I thought I was safe. I was wrong. Very wrong. I am alone in this situation. I feel completely isolated and alone. I can trust no one in this setting. No one. These people stab you in the back, set you up, and let you take the blame, as long as they get what they want in the end. I am sad. Sad and hurt. And in all of this, it makes me think about what Jesus went through. Betrayed by one of his closest. And He saw it coming. Ouch. I wasn't betrayed by one of my 12 closest and this still hurts. I wasn't betrayed for death and I still grieve. Wow. This brings a whole new understanding to the pain of having someone sabotage you. I don't know that I have ever focused that much on this portion of the Easter story before. It makes me appreciate even more the emotional pain that Jesus had to endure for me.